I PRed at 5K and I don’t even care because I’m too busy pointlessly worrying about “the future.”
About two years ago back in Atlanta, my AmeriCorps service team was loading the seats into our 15-passenger van after a long day. I was noodling around and fussing over the proper way to get them to click in, figuring there had to be some kind of catch or latch somewhere that would ensure correct positioning.
One of my colleagues, with whom I was constantly at odds (in a friendly way), eventually became fed up with my needless and unhelpful fussing and proceeded to simply hulk-smash the van seats into place, yelling at me, “Not everything comes with a manual. Sometimes you just have to use BRUTE FORCE!”
And, well… he was right.
Sometimes there isn’t an easy or apparent way to go about things so you just have to grit your teeth and clumsily shove your way through.
I guess that means it’s time to set my jaw and pull my sleeves up, because I have to admit that lately, I’ve been struggling.
And somehow, I naively assumed that by now, I’d be past this.
Past the whole unstable-angsty-don’t-know-what-the-heck-I’m-doing-post-college thing.
Past the incapacitating self-doubt and low confidence.
Past this cancerous obsession with the future, which seems to be steadily suffocating and crowding out all other brain activity.
Does it ever go away?
I foolishly hoped that by this point I’d have things at least reasonably figured out, and I totally don’t. Here I am again, stumbling around hoping for something to fall into my lap just because I was a nice kid in high school and worked hard in college and that means I deserve for my life to keep being effortless and easy, right? (Yes, clueless about the way the world works.)
I need to pull myself up out of this funk and it feels as if the only way to do it is to have a plan I’m excited about, and I do not have that.
Running, fortunately, always provides a respite from the constant ache of doubt and uncertainty.
I ran a 5K today in 19:02. It was hilly. The closest person in front of me ran 17-something. It’s a PR, I guess, but who knows if the course was accurate. Felt good and happy during the run, and that’s all I can really ask for.
I feel like I should be more fired up or regretful that I came so close to breaking 19, but my only reaction is, “oh, that’s cool I guess.” See, I’ve become an even more one-dimensional and boring person than usual because all I can think about is “what’s next! what’s next! i don’t know! ahhh! shoot! i’m not good at anything! i don’t know what i’m doing! life, wtf!” and this relentless and unproductive internal panicking is causing me to slip into a state of complete lassitude about everything else. I have developed an eyelid twitch that is entirely unrelated to lack of sleep, and am probably giving myself an ulcer or something.
Headcase. Total headcase, I tell you.